So Long Forensic Files Saturday

After months of saying it, I finally did it. I cancelled our cable. The decision came quite easily after realizing I watched six consecutive hours of Bar Rescue the other day. For those of you keeping track. That is  360 minutes of Jon Taffer yelling at  losers. Other shows I’m OK with never watching again include…

CSI Anything… And I’m just going to come out and say it. True Detective sucks this season too.


No it’s not Horatio, it never is!!

Any show featuring a bunch a big mouth women sitting around a table yelling over each other trying to get their point across.Dance Mom’s and Nancy Grace can also fall into this category.

hair cut

If a woman has this hairstyle she is going to be  awful.

The Bachelor…Don’t even fucking get me started.


Oh good, because I was thinking this season would feature a bunch of mentally unstable women pitted against each other waiting in a line to find out if they’re good enough to compete for someones time.


Carl is the perfect combination of all the kids I disliked in Elementry School

When will the writers of The Walking Dead kill off that little cunt Carl?  Every episode I think ” Oh please be the night where Carl gets his face ripped off by a zombie who for some reason has the strength of a orangutang ” But nope! You kill the cast members people like instead.

If Carl were a child in the real world he would be that ass of a kid who has awesome stuff like a forty pack of scented makers and rubs it in your face when he won’t let you use  them or yells things like ” get off my property ” to people.


Some people watch Jersey Shore on Thursdays…Not me though.

One of my favorite shows from last year is back for a new season. Swamp People!!! Mike, Teen-Mike, Troy and Junior Edwards are all on board. This show literally makes me hold my breath, last night Junior was out searching for a gator that weighed over 700 pounds.

I can’t make out a single word these guys say on the show, yet I can’t stop watching!  Bruce is one of my favorites because he makes it a priority to make sure the entire gator gets used up after they kill it. He might look like a raging inbreed alcoholic but he is extremely self-sufficient!

Seriously this woman is the reason I am 100% in favor of pro-choice.

According to my half Asian friend Murray, Amber Portwood has been charged with assault! For those of you who are unfamiliar with Portwood, here is the run down. When she was 16 her boyfriend Gary Shirley(19)  knocked her up. Gary did all sorts of stupid things like tell Amber she couldn’t buy a change table for her baby because they didn’t have enough money, then he would go out and buy useless items like Rock Band or go out to dinner at a Golden Corral. Amber would get upset over his actions, hit him and then they would makeup.

Gary decided to man up and buy a synthetic pink sapphire promise ring for Amber. Upon being reassured he could return the ring that came to 26.98 at Wal-Mart he proposes to Amber. I think the engagement has been broken off a minimum of 4 times since taking place. In one Teen Mom episode Gary gets kicked out and takes his set of dirty twin sheets with him,  Amber actually said to him ” Don’t you ever get engaged to me again”

As if Amber wasn’t already a big enough bitch, she went and lost like 80 pounds. So now she feels she deserves more than Gary Shirley and starts to date a guy who just got out of jail. Gary and Amber get into a huge fight over Amber letting a criminal bathe and dress their 2-year-old daughter and Amber attacks Gary. The useful film crew from MTV just decided to stand there and film the 10 minute attack instead of breaking it up or calling the cops.

I have to give it to Amber it’s not everyday I can handout a World’s Worst Mother and a Non-Eater Award to the same person!

What I wouldnt give to be an unwed teenage mother this day in age.

Last weekend I watched Keeping up with the Kardashian’s for the first time. Honest to God I thought that Kim Kardashian was that girl in the Pussy Cat Dolls who gets all the good camera shots and can’t really sing. It turns out that is a completely different really hot mildly talented brown girl.

What the hell is so great about this family that they have their own show on E? One of the girls looks like Chyna , the other one has an abusive boyfriend and the one that I thought was kind of famous but actually isn’t just acts like a brown version of Paris Hilton.

I am giving serious consideration to letting someone follow me around with a camera for a week to film my life in hopes of getting a show and making a lot of money with little to no effort or talent. It would be just like The Hills except I never go downtown, I’m socially awkward and I don’t have any money. I would even let the cameras come into work so people could see me doing meaningless tasks all day!

Look at me having a good time eating cheesecake. People would love to watch this!

Filthy Homes on TV

If someone offered me millions of dollars to film my life,  the first thing I would do is hire a house keeper. That’s not to say my place is unkempt because The Red Headed Bastard is a pretty tidy roommate. But some of the families on reality tv are just plain disgusting. I’m not talking about people on Hoarders because they have an actual disease. I’m talking about every day people who can’t pick up a broom or put a container of milk back in the fridge.

Honest to God, I turned on the TV the other day and I though I was watching an episode of  Sanford and Son  but it turns out it was just Little People Big World.

Everyone’s least favorite teen mom Amber in a photo she sent to US Magazine. I like how she put her dirty laundry away before taking the photo that millions of readers would see.

 What ever the name of that show was old Side Titty Lohan and her family had… I like the piles of undies on the floor.