So Long Forensic Files Saturday


After months of saying it, I finally did it. I cancelled our cable. The decision came quite easily after realizing I watched six consecutive hours of Bar Rescue the other day. For those of you keeping track. That is  360 minutes of Jon Taffer yelling at  losers. Other shows I’m OK with never watching again include…

CSI Anything… And I’m just going to come out and say it. True Detective sucks this season too.

csi

No it’s not Horatio, it never is!!

Any show featuring a bunch a big mouth women sitting around a table yelling over each other trying to get their point across.Dance Mom’s and Nancy Grace can also fall into this category.

hair cut

If a woman has this hairstyle she is going to be  awful.

The Bachelor…Don’t even fucking get me started.

bach

Oh good, because I was thinking this season would feature a bunch of mentally unstable women pitted against each other waiting in a line to find out if they’re good enough to compete for someones time.

I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.


So I’m a mom, most of you know this by now. On May 9th I gave what might be the fastest birth ever ( twenty minutes) to the adorable little baby bird featured below. I bet once I announced my pregnancy people sat back in all their glory waiting for me to eat humble pie. After all, I’ve said some pretty opinionated things on here about parenting.   Here are some thoughts people probably had…

But I thought you hated kids? Not true, I like kids who aren’t assholes. Basically if I like the parent, I’ll like their kid.

I bet you regret saying all those things about social media and over sharing. I’ll be honest, its hard not to post an adorable photo of her everyday, I limit my Instagram photos. We announced the birth on Facebook but I stuck to my guns on posting 3D baby images. We actually kept the gender and name off social media all together until she was born.

Do you regret all those judgy comments about parents who don’t clean their home?  NOPE! I go nonstop with M. But I still find time to push a fucking Swiffer around the house every few days.

What about your love of too much booze? I’m not one of those ladies who loved being pregnant. It was awful. I threw up for ten months, often on myself on the way to work. Giving up booze was the easiest part of being pregnant. Even now it takes me at least two hours to drink a glass of wine.

Don’t get me wrong, parenting is hard. I don’t know how  single parents or people with twins do it. The first week of my daughter’s life I sat up every night crying while nursing her for two hours at a time with a twenty-minute break in-between feedings thinking my life was over. It gets a little easier each day, I’m sure other moms judge me all the time, but you know what? I don’t care.

midge

This just in…I’m a horrible person!


I’m sorry, but can we just take a moment to acknowledge that this wedding dress being worn by Angelina Jolie featuring her kids sub par art work is fucking hideous?? I realize I’m not a parent and I’ve never experienced the magical feeling of having a child create something just for me…But this dress is just plain awful.

 

o-ANGELINA-JOLIE-WEDDING-DRESS-570

The owls are not what they seem


So Burger King has purchased Tim Horton’s. I’m hoping this brings forth a few changes…

1. Toasted bagels instead of warmed dough slathered in butter thrown into a see through greasy bag.

2. Three point check system for hot beverages. Is the lid secure? Did you make sure  not to place the mouth of the lid on the seam of the cup? Did you wipe the coffee you spilled all over the side from over pouring into the cup? It goes without saying that they have made my beverage order correctly…although they fuck up my tea with milk at least twice a month.

3. Maybe if your store motto is Always Fresh you actually prepare things that way.

4. Bring back the old sprinkles for the vanilla dip. The new ones are fucking awful, it’s like a mouthful of blue chalk!

5. Bring back the Cherry Pie.

6. Nice lids, you have them in your store. If I order an over priced hot chocolate, I can have one. Just start using them all the time!!!

wendys_spicy_chicken_sandwich_01

This better not interfere with my Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich consumption! I swear to god, I will go ape-shit it does!

 

 

 

 

Saving’ all your food stamps and burning’ down the trailer park.


Normally Facebook friend recommendations couldn’t be more off . I think we all remember the Tyrone Debrown incident… (White friends, there is no need to post in Ebonics, that’s just plain racist!)But I’d love to know what I have in common with some of the people Facebook recommends I befriend…Take the guy below, He’s like 80 and can’t operate a camera. Yet social media thinks we could have some things in common.I bet we both enjoy eating supper at 5pm and wearing slippers around the house.

photo (4)

But I’m in love with this couple! I can already tell based on their profile pic, they’re better than me. For starters they have a fucking owl at their wedding and secondly he looks like Lord Baelish! They look like the kind of couple who purchase a normal size bottle of wine and only drink a glass of it at dinner, instead of a magnum that’s empty within three hours and then have no memory of going to bed after watching a marathon of Twin Peaks on a Friday Night.

photo (3)

 

This post totally contradicts what I said yesterday…


I wish to god someone would make a rule that cashiers have to stop asking you to donate money every time you’re at a checkout.  I don’t mind giving donations to charity. I’ll buy things from my friends kids to support schools and programing, if an organization comes to my door I’ll gladly give $20.00 to them. But NOTHING sets me over the edge more than going to pay for my groceries or an item at Wal-Mart and having a multi billion dollar corporation ask me to give them money for a charity. Here’s why…

Our money is going towards one giant tax write off for these large corporations. Most of these stores do not match your donation either. Also, why am I giving money to the food bank and breakfast programs on behalf of a grocery store that throws out thousands of dollars worth of food everyday instead of donating it?

I have a hard time saying no when asked to give, but what I hate even more than being asking to give a dollar ( I know it’s not a lot, but when you get asked every-time you’re at the fucking store it adds up) is to give an open-ended donation. When you say yes, thinking you’re giving a dollar or two they come back with ” Is $5.00 an OK amount?” What the hell are you supposed to say to that ? You can’t say, No I just want to give a dollar…

tlc

Every time I say no to the cashier, I feel like this woman from TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates. She has a perfectly good roll of toilet paper in that washroom but insists on using a squirt bottle instead…

What it takes, who I am, where I’ve been.


I’m on a quest. With the days leading up to our wedding, I’m going to make myself less cunty to the general public. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an amazing friend , daughter, sister, aunt and soon to be wife. But I’m going to try to be a little nicer to the GP. I’ve already committed one random act of kindness this morning, I paid for an item when someone realized they forgot their wallet. However, I also told an old man to fuck off in a Tim Horton’s parking lot. ( For real, I thought SB was going to get in a fist fight with a senior!) So I might have to work on a balancing system.

kidtobigforstoller

Who knows what my next act will be, maybe I’ll buy you a coffee or bake something for you. Maybe when I see your over sized child perfectly capable of walking sitting in a shopping cart I’ll keep my comments to myself!