So I’m a mom, most of you know this by now. On May 9th I gave what might be the fastest birth ever ( twenty minutes) to the adorable little baby bird featured below. I bet once I announced my pregnancy people sat back in all their glory waiting for me to eat humble pie. After all, I’ve said some pretty opinionated things on here about parenting. Here are some thoughts people probably had…
But I thought you hated kids? Not true, I like kids who aren’t assholes. Basically if I like the parent, I’ll like their kid.
I bet you regret saying all those things about social media and over sharing. I’ll be honest, its hard not to post an adorable photo of her everyday, I limit my Instagram photos. We announced the birth on Facebook but I stuck to my guns on posting 3D baby images. We actually kept the gender and name off social media all together until she was born.
Do you regret all those judgy comments about parents who don’t clean their home? NOPE! I go nonstop with M. But I still find time to push a fucking Swiffer around the house every few days.
What about your love of too much booze? I’m not one of those ladies who loved being pregnant. It was awful. I threw up for ten months, often on myself on the way to work. Giving up booze was the easiest part of being pregnant. Even now it takes me at least two hours to drink a glass of wine.
Don’t get me wrong, parenting is hard. I don’t know how single parents or people with twins do it. The first week of my daughter’s life I sat up every night crying while nursing her for two hours at a time with a twenty-minute break in-between feedings thinking my life was over. It gets a little easier each day, I’m sure other moms judge me all the time, but you know what? I don’t care.
Living in a city for the past ten years has led me to take things for granted. I grew up in a smal-ish town where the only elevator for almost 25 years was located at the hospital and it was a real treat when you got to go there to push the buttons. My town only had one escalator, it was at the Aberdeen Mall. The escalator only went up though. If you wanted to come back down to the second level you had to take the stair case.
The Aberdeen Mall was one sad place even in its hay day. The stores consisted of Agnew Shoes, The Met ,Zellers, a Restaurant that my old neighbor Fran worked at and a Sobeys that was really embarrassing to be seen in back in the early 90’s. I’m not joking either. If you were seen shopping at the Aberdeen Sobeys by someone you went to school with, it was totally OK to lie about why you were there. ” Oh I’m just here with my Aunt, my family doesn’t buy groceries from here.” I’m not sure why but it was deemed the worst thing ever to be caught shopping at this location in elementary school, it was by far worse than being seen at the Co-op or the IGA.
Yesterday I did visit the Zellers located at the Aberdeen Mall, I actually bought an outfit. I was feeling pretty good about it too but then I spent five minutes standing at the cash listening to a cashier and a customer fight over the cost of a bag of Munchos.
Pattistiltskin had her baby. As hard as I campaigned, she refused to name the baby Lou, even after I pitched a sweet series of short stories on what he could grow up to become with that name. But I guess she figured her baby was too good for pre made clubhouse sandwiches, generic brand Mountain Dew and life of dropping piss bombs on the open road. I’m pretty excited to meet the little guy. Aunt Red Wine and Cigarettes is going to spoil him rotten. He is going to be the coolest baby ever. I ordered him a Misfits shirt the other day so the other babies will know not to mess with him. I have already decided his blog nickname will be Handsome. B.Wonderful.
Speaking of babies…Sixteen and Pregnant is back for a third season. I’m going to be honest, I hated every single mom last season and couldn’t really get into the show. I’ll have a review on this one as soon as I watch it online today at work. I’m looking forward to awful baby names and making fun of lazy parents. It should hold me over until season 3 of Teen Mom starts back up.
In other news I found a website to replace whythefuckdoyouhaveakid it’s www.badparenting.org