Man I could go for some Carrot Cake today

A while back I was looking for ways to make money with doing little to no work. So I called the Fertility Clinic to see how I would go about selling my eggs. Apparently I’m the worst human being alive for asking that question.

It’s considered unethical for me to sell my embryo but its 100% ethical for a clinic to sell an egg for $15,000 to a couple that really wants to have a child but can’t.  This is really a loss on the clinics end.  They’re missing out on some  quality eggs. I’m tall, semi good-looking, I have excellent taste in clothing and music, not only am I smart but I also have perfect teeth. They have always been pin straight and I’ve never had a filling or cavity!

Somewhere a lucky couple or an aging single lady is missing out on all this…


Saying Biggie Smalls three times in the mirror isn’t a myth…

Is it just me, or is this the most fucking terrifying  shadow to ever be cast onto a wall? I can’t decide if the shadow looks like Alfred Hitchcock or Biggie Smalls. Either way it scared the shit out of me just before going to bed last Friday Night.

Day two of being the only person at work!

Do you know what the formerly worst Christmas gift ever was… The Charm Diamond Center $99.99  Heart Shaped .30 CT Pendant. Watching  that commercial every year at Christmas makes me want to throw up . The new hideous Christmas treat is Kate Middleton’s tacky engagement ring replica.

People go on and on about how stunning this ring is. Are you kidding me? It’s the ugliest fucking ring I have ever laid eyes on. Running a close second to that ring is Jessica Simpson’s( and don’t get me wrong I love her) ruby engagement ring.

I bet this man owns a Kate Middleton Engagement Ring Replica.

And so commences the honeymoon stage of Winter

Light snow makes me feel all romantic and shit. I walked to work this morning with a Holiday Latte and sporting my cute new boots and a black hat.  I’m pretty sure in a months time I will be cursing this weather but for now I’m enjoying it!

Oddly enough I’m in a great mood at work too. Olive Oil has strep throat and won’t be in for the rest of the week , half the office didn’t show and all my interviews called to cancel today due to the oncoming storm. It’s just me and my online tv watching  all day!

This will always be the greatest gift any friend has ever given me!

Reason number 4559 why I hate birds

One of those little cunts shit on me while walking to work today.  Other times I have been crapped on by birds include…

My elementary school track meet.

Showing off on my bike in front of a group of older kids when I was in Grade Six.

Walking home on the first day of Grade Seven.

This one didn’t happen to me but it doesn’t help my love of birds any… While standing outside the Roseland Theater with Count Jackula , Brethren Lewis and Goatman waiting to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles one afternoon  in 1990, a bird shit all over Goatman’s jacket and we had to go home.

This photo makes me feel a little better…





First time for everything.

I never thought I would say this but I owe a group of Hipsters an apology. Yesterday ten of them came into the restauraunt for brunch and sat in my section. At first I said to myself  Oh great Hipsters, I’m gonna have to make ten pots of fucking tea. Only three of them ordered tea and only two made a point to tell everyone at the table they are vegetarian and had to modify their order. Best of all these Hipsters tipped really well!

So now the order of people I hate waiting on goes as such…


Anyone with a child

Large groups of women

People who put ketchup on their food


It’s not cute when you kid does this, it’s fucking annoying.