More parenting advice from a childless self absorbed woman in her late 20’s


My gentleman friend Slutbanger and I went to Your Father’s Mustache on Saturday for brunch. We had the pleasure of sitting beside the worlds most annoying child. I could care less if a child is sitting at a table screaming their lungs out. That doesn’t bother me because their parents are paying customers just like me. Therefor, that child has the right to scream and throw a fit  for the duration of the meal… Just like I have the right to act like a drunk asshole in a bar because I’m a paying customer.

What bothered us was having to put up with a six-year-old child walking around from table to table pestering everyone, while her mother and father continued to converse with their group of friends aware of the fact she was driving everyone nuts. I just want to point out a few things 1. Walking around a pub singing when people are hung over isn’t cute, it’s fucking annoying. When I was little and my parents took me to a bar, they always made sure to give me a bag of hickory sticks. They kept me quite because they took forever to eat. 2. I am almost willing to bet this kid not only sits in a stroller that she is too big for, but more than likely will sit in a shopping cart until the age of 9 .

I don’t care if I come across as crazy for saying this, I will stare your child down in the grocery store if they are too big to be in a cart. I once saw a ten-year old who had to sit in the bottom because he could no longer fit in the top part. Isn’t that a sign that your child is old enough to walk around for 40 minutes? 

Also on a side note, for once Slutbanger drank too much  and was the one with a hangover! I was actually secretly delighted by this.  The best part was we ended up on Barrington Street in the middle of a Shriners parade. 100’s of mini Shriner cars with insanely loud motors will do wonders for a hangover.

Ok, some guy had to lie to his wife and take his kid to a bachelor party that makes sense. But what the hell is that old woman doing in the back there?

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