Huntin’ Season.


Sweet baby Jesus I felt like a fat ass last nite. Aside from the fact it’s almost October 1st and it’s 25 degrees outside, I also had an entire pizza to myself for dinner so needless to say I feel like five pounds of shit in a three-pound bag.  The weather better cool off by Friday, I have waited almost 4 long months to come home from work put on my bathrobe and open up a bottle of room temperature red wine. Everytime I plan on doing so, it ends up being a really nice night. I can’t wait for winter and the temperature drop.

I have a lot of plans for this winter. I’m actually pretty excited for our first big storm of the season and for one reason only…Deer Hunter. I have been a fan of this game for  some time now. I used to visit Dr.Sharps in Bedford on a regular basis for a few rounds. Then the other day my romantic boyfriend Slutbanger surprised me with my very own Nintendo Wii version of the game! No more getting drunk in a bowling alley and shooting things on a Friday night for this girl. I can play in the comfort of my home now.

I think this game is going to help me carry out goal number 12 on my 30 before 30 list. Fire off a real gun. I kind of want to invest in a leather Nascar hat and jean vest for when I play this game. Really the only thing holding me back from doing so, is that leather hats are actually quite expensive and I can’t afford one. Yeah I realize this post makes me sound like a total red neck…

I’m totally going to perm my bangs on the day I fire off a registered hunting rifle!

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If I don’t stop writing about my glory days of 1980, people are going to start calling me Uncle Rico.


Find me one girl who doesn’t love the movie Troop Beverly Hills. If I had to model my life after an 80’s movie character, Phyllis Nefler would difinitely be the one. This movie has everything I love, tacky French restaurants, 80’s boutique shopping , far too much swearing and sex for a kids movie and the personal style of Shelly Long. I love how she rocks that awful uniform. I used to put on my Brownie uniform and walk around the house pretending to be Phylis Nefler with a fake cigarette.Then again I used to also walk around the house with an actual cigar in my mouth pretending to be a banker named Stan Fox who managed a fictional branch on Park Avenu. So I’m pretty sure this wasn’t normal.

I watched this movie almost everyday for an entire summer. It was always on The Movie Network at 7am. I have two favorite scenes. When the girls are trying to sell their cookies and the black girl dresses up like Tina Turner, the troop then performs in front of a crowd on Rodeo Drive and everyone loves it. My second favorite scene would be when Phyllis takes the girls camping at a swanky hotel and tells a ghost story while smoking and wearing a fur-trimmed négligée.

Speaking of narcissistic people, yours truly is featured in this weeks Frank Magazine!!! I know when most people are talked about in this magazine they are supposed to act all modest and appalled that their name was ever mentioned but not me. I’m ecstatic! The author even refered to me as being 26-ish!

Awesome Christmas Shit from Childhood!


Over the weekend I had the chance to take a look at the Sear’s Wishbook. Aside from being appalled by the fact they feature Playboy items on the same page as a children’s chocolate making kit, I came to the conclusion kids toys today blow.

I think every kid had the same list of ridiculous shit they wanted and never got like a life size Barbie Hot Wheeles Jeep or anything that was featured on the TV show Amazing Discoveries , God I wanted that machine that would allow you to make homemade patches for your jean vest so bad! The following is a list of gifts I actually received back in the late 80’s early 90’s.

My Easybake Oven, while it would eventually join Carnation Instant Breakfast  on the list of items band from the Lewis home due to my in proper usage, I loved this thing! To this day I still claim their ginger bread cake was the best I ever had!

Boglins, Monsters were all the craze in the late 80’s. The came in the coolest packaging it was a little crate with bars.I loved the scent of these things too. They smelled like strawberry and plastic.

Whiz Kid Computers. I used to carry mine around and pretend that I was April O’Neil from the Ninja Turtles.

WWF Wrestlers, Brethren Lewis had tons of these and the official WWF ring to go along with them!

She-Ra toys, they were all the wrestlers girlfriends.

One gift I would always ask for and never get is was the NKOTB sleeping bag and matching tent. I can’t thank my parents enough for that one now. I could have been that kid at a sleepover with the most embarrassing sleeping bag. I already had enough strikes against me at the time. I didn’t need people noticing my lame sleeping bag!

Growlers and Tattoos


So Slutbanger had his formal intro with Mama C and The Count. It actually wasn’t that bad. He won my mom over early on with a growler filled with pumpkin ale and my Dad didn’t freak out over his tattoos like I thought he was going to.  Normally when he sees someone with an arm full of ink, you can guarantee a solid rant from the man. What didn’t go as smoothly was when I met his parents.

1. My Dad forgot to put his truck in park and almost hit another vehicle when he went to get out of the vehicle. ( Our Dad’s know each other so he was getting out to talk to his Dad)

2. No one bothered to tell me my shirt was unbuttoned as I met with his Mother, Sister, Dad and 2-year-old niece. Yup, I’m his skanky woman who puts her boobs on display when meeting the family.

So it’s official, I’m now his wool. We even changed our Facebook relationship status so all our friends can stop creeping on our profiles to see if we are together or not.

Check out this yellow dazzler…

Brazier Burgers and Fountain Diet Pepsi…


Just one of the many things I am looking forward to this weekend. The Red Headed Bastard and I are packing up and heading home for the weekend. Mama Cat has been cooking for a week in preparation for my arrival and Count Jackula has a giant list of yard work for me to do. A rare fact…I actually love yard work and shoveling snow, that’s right boy’s I’m a keeper. I also enjoy eating chips in my parent’s basement on a Friday night alone and dateless. It reminds me of being in high school.

Although I won’t actually be dateless because at some point this evening BKGG is coming over for a visit! Our night will be filled with all sorts of things girls our age do on a Friday , playing Scrabble , watching revenge of the nerds, drinking three bottles of red wine in our bathrobes and not remembering when we went to bed.

I’m a little fearful for Saturday night. Slutbanger will be coming over for dinner with Mama C and the Count. They read this blog and are well aware of the nickname I have given him. Monday’s post is going to be dedicated to what might go down as one of my most awkward moments of 2010. While on one hand I would like to encourage copious amounts of wine to get out of having to go to church in the morning, I don’t think that is an overly solid idea when you plan on formally introducing a guy you want to keep around to your parents.

Family fun…

Tacos and Teen Mom


The Red Headed Bastard and I had a Mama and baby night, we enjoyed taco’s and caught up on  Teen Mom episodes.  With each passing week, I actually despise Amber more and more.Gary and his set of twin sheets moved back in this week for the time being. He spent the entire episode being verbally and physically abused by Amber. He would stay at his mother’s place but her 30-year-old boyfriend is unemployed and they keep getting into fights with each other. Next week Amber actually punches Gary in the ear!

Is it just me, or would anyone else like to see Gary on a dating show? He would pull all sorts God awful romantic moves. You kind of can’t help but love that big fat fucker. He would take women bowling and out for a hotdog on a group date. Or maybe for a really short walk on the beach so he wouldn’t break a sweat. Instead of a rose ceremony, Gary would hand out promise rings that he bought from Wal-Mart for $26.95.  The show could be called ” Have a picnic life, with Gary from Teen Mom.”

Growing up I looked like Randy Quaid…


TMZ held a celebrity look-alike contest last week, some of the applicants actually looked like celebrity’s. However the majority of the girls were skanks with long hair who claimed to look like Megan Fox. I’m not joking about that title either. I looked like Randy Quaid in the movie Kingpin…The boys actually called me Kingpin. Enjoy the pics.

Jessica Biel, perhaps if Jessica Biel were a huge skank with a tattoo on her awful breast implants and rocked a hart shaped diamond pendant from Charm Diamond Center for $99.99.

Angelina Jolie, on what fucking planet does this girl even remotely resemble Angelina Jolie?

Snookie, I’m not even going to make fun of this one. Actually wanting to look like that train wreck is punishment enough.