So guess who got inappropriately drunk last night? The best part is Slutbanger came over last evening and I felt it necessary to tell him a play by-play of the Ralph’s Place lunch time stripper act and took it upon myself to invite him sometime. Maybe next time I can tell him some racist jokes to make sure I stay single.
The other night Cousin Red and I went to The Superstore, neither one of us is big on kids but we both agree the kid featured below rules! He was shadow boxing around the grocery store the entire time he was there. The only time he stopped was to push over displays. He also had a pretty sweet Kanye West hair cut. I hope I have one just like him some day.
Prepare yourself for a mama fucker of a weekend. I’ll take it easy on you tonight because we’re going to Moxies with clients. We don’t need a repeat of the last time I got inappropriately drunk in a family restaurant during the middle of the day. While Cousin Red ,Kenny Powers and maybe one or two of the servers enjoyed having me stand up and yell ” Hey everyone, don’t let this argyle sweater fool you, I’m dynamite in the sack.” I don’t think all the families trying to eat dinner overly enjoyed my comment.
But tomorrow, oh tomorrow you’re in trouble. The Count has called me at work all week to tell me about his menu for Friday night . He plans on making bar-b-que chicken,nachos maybe bruchetta and anything else that he can possibly put on a bar-b-que topped off with some Pictou County Za at the end of the night . At first I told him I planned on taking it easy and not drinking, he quickly talked me out of that one. It’s the one weekend of the year a person actually wants to be in New Glasgow, Jubilee Weekend.
Joannimal was on the fence about coming , then she found out Haywire is taking the stage. I figure if I’m going to make it through an entire set by this band, I’m going to have to be good and drunk.
What do the following songs have in common?
Katrina and the Waves Walking on Sunshine
Van Halen Jump
Kool and the Gang Celebration
The answer is they can all be heard from the office of a new tenant working on the same floor as my office. I had mentioned before I work in a shared office space, it’s filled with a lot of small businesses and everyone gets along pretty well. One thing we all agree upon is that we want to draw straws to decide on who is going to punch the new guy in the dick. Every morning he plays a jam to pump everyone up.
The worst part is he gets on a microphone during the jam to narrate over the music. He has been heard saying the following “Oh, doesn’t this song make you want to moon walk across the floor?” , “I don’t know about you, but I am feeling the energy off of this one”, “Someone start clapping their hands, feel the ENERGY!!” and my personal favorite an Austin Powers ” Yeah Baby!!! ”
No one is overly sure about what kind of business he runs, mainly because we couldn’t stand talking to him long enough to find out. As far as we can tell he runs some sort of hypnosis clinique…Yeah I’m not kidding either. People actually pay to hear this guy talk over shitty songs.
It drives me insane because he works out of the conference room directly beside my office. I’m also bothered by the sudden abundance of losers I now see walking past my office trying to make small talk with me on my Planet of the Apes poster I have hung on my wall. Yesterday one of them actually walked into my office twice. Once to ask me if I had a Tylenol ( I did, but I said I didn’t) and a second time to ask that I turn my Zep down. No one tells me to turn down The Immigrant Song , no one. I swear to God, if one of these fuckers uses my Cat mug, I’m going to lose it!
Oh American Television, you’re the reason I’m going to weigh 200 pounds some day. You’re also the reason Mama Cat and the Count are going to wish they never invited me to come along on their vacation next month…
I don’t even like pancakes, the idea of eating one turns my stomach after having to serve breakfast with a hangover every Saturday and Sunday for two years while in University . But It has always been a life long dream of mine to eat at a Denny’s or an I hop. I just think it would be different there. I also picture the waitresses wearing yellow button down dresses with white aprons.
Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits, Brethren Lewis informs me they have one in Tronny. I plan on making a stop there next time I’m in town for a visit. I don’t care who judges me.I run 5km every day, I deserve to eat here!
Red Lobster, I don’t know why I’m so consumed with this place. I live on the East Coast of Canada. I can get a lobster for next to nothing anytime I want. Yet I’m obsessed with ordering a lobster from here and dipping it in butter.
I love going to Bangor because they have a Chilis and a Target, I like to order the buffalo saucey fingers. I’m trash, I get it…
I actually consider a meal at The Cheesecake Factory a fancy lunch, but I’m sure it’s on the same level as an Applebees.
Honourable mention goes to any restaurant ever featured on a Peach Tree TV commercial.
Growing up Brethren Lewis and I shared a common love…BraveStarr. While the show only aired for a year we had all things BraveStarr related. Action Figures, clothing, we even had cutouts from the back of Shreddies boxes that we played with everyday after school. For those of you who are not familiar with this show check it out here on YouTube.
Here is a little run down on the characters.
BraveStarr- A Native American who resides on the planet of New Texas. His strength comes from channeling spirit animals. He has the eyes of a hawk, strength of a bear, ears of a wolf and speed of a puma.
Thirty-Thirty Half horse, half robot. His weapon of choice is a giant energy rifle. He refers to the rifle as ” Sarah Jane” and treats it like a girl friend. He is actually based on David Lee Roth.
Tex Hex- Leader of the villans, he has a sweet moustache and actually looks like the guy who lives in the apartment underneath mine. At one time he had a wool named Ursula, she left Tex and he never got over it. It’s why he is so evil. Although on one episode, possibly the Christmas special they meet again and she admits to still being in love with Tex.
Outlaw Skuzz- In the 80’s it was perfectly acceptable to animate a show meant entirely for children with a main character who constantly walked around with a dart in his mouth. Even his action figurine and Shreddies cutout featured a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
What the fuck is wrong with that rat’s nest on top of your head. You went crazy and shaved your hair off three years ago; shouldn’t it have grown back in by now? While I’m on a rant I feel it necessary to state the following
Get a bra, you’re almost 30 no one wants to see those anymore.
Start wearing underwear in public, two kids have come out of that thing…
Speaking of your kids, stop smoking in front of them. God even I have enough common sense not to smoke in front of kids. And I’m the most irresponsible person I know.
You have disgusting meth hands.
I usually dedicate Friday’s post to the Non-Eater Award, I know eating disorders should be taken seriously but a bout of anorexia would do wonders for you.
Hey boys, wanna run your hands through this???
I had to spend a portion of my day in a room filled with hot garbage. So that kind of made me feel worse.
I had three G2’s, then I went out at 11am for a caesar so I’m starting to feel a little better now. An office nap is in order.
I did in fact call the Slutbanger last night, for those of you wondering he did not live up to his name.
The Red-Headed Bastard didn’t eat a sock, but he did destroy one. For some reason I took all my clothing off in the hallway last night.
My arms really hurt, Joannimals arms are also sore. We figure we must have been wrassling or lifting heavy objects for some reason.
Can you believe this girl is wearing uggs?
*On a side note, this isn’t me. Mama Cat called my office livid over this photo. She should know I would never post a picture of myself wearing Uggs on the internet!