Who are the people in your neighborhood?


Well for starters, this dazzler of a prostitute pictured below taking a nap on someones front steps. She enjoys working in a skirted one piece bathing suit and mesh jersey. I like 98% of the homeless people in my area, if it wasn’t for them no one would ever check me out or tell me I look nice on my way to work. But this woman is miserable. She always spits when you walk past her and the other day she called me a “stupid bitch.” I seriously consider this woman to be my arch rival…

I’ll try to get a better picture of her. But I’m kind of scared of her and what she might do to me if I was ever caught.

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Sometimes I like to picture Michael Jackson, ghost riding the whip in heaven.


So, Joe Jackson is coming out with a line of MJ inspired belts. I bet that man knows a thing or two about what makes a quality belt, given the immense amount  of time he spent hitting his own children with them when they were young.

Can someone please explain to me why this man has been given custody of MJ’s kids?

God bless my genetics


If there is one thing I love more than meat, its chips. Growing up my Dad would buy three different bags of plain chips each week from the Co-op. The man is a connoisseur of chips.

The following is a list of my all time top five favorite plain chips…

 5. Mrs.Vickie’s Kettle Chips, but I have to be in the right mood. And once they cut the roof of my mouth I usually give up on them for a few months.

4. Lays Oversized plain. I seriously shovel a bag of these into me every Friday night.

3. Old School Hostess Potato Chips from the early 90’s. They came in the blue bag with the 3 Hostess Munchies guys on the front. I wish it was still legal to make food with trans fats.

2. No Name wavy chips, perfect with dip and beyond salty!

1. Co-op brand plain chips, growing up I thought we bought these because they were the cheapest ones in the store. It turns out Count Jackula was onto something. He bought them because they’re delicious.  

I’m just going to throw this out there…


As a childless self-absorbed woman in her late 20’s I often wonder… Is there a certain cutoff point for kids and strollers? I’m pretty sure the child featured below is way too old be strolled around by his mom. It’s kind of like telling your kid ” It’s ok to grow up and become a loser”.  

Eventually this kid will turn 12 and his parents will have to put shoes and socks on his feet for him while he sits on the counter. When I was 12 I was getting drunk off of lime kool aid  and vodka in my friends barn.

Sorry for the crappy picture, but you know how touchy parents can get when a stranger tries to secretly take a photo of their child.

A planet where apes evolved from men? There’s got to be an answer.


 

The other night my good friend and I were having a conversation about men and how a girl is supposed to know if a guy likes her now of days. Back in Junior High, a guy made me a mixed tape, which was a pretty big deal at the time. (Especially given my homeliness as a teenager.) He actually took the time to rewind and fast-forward all of his favorite songs and then copy them onto a Maxell MS90 Studio High Bias sealed blank cassette tape. Do you have any idea how long it takes to rewind the song Stairway to Heaven? Any teenage boy who makes me a mixed tape with some ‘Zep is a keeper in my eyes.

 In today’s society it can be difficult to figure out guys feelings, unless he is daring enough to ask to load songs onto your iPod. My friends, I kid you not, the following is an actual play list titled Love Songs a guy loaded  on my friend’s iPod. If you’re reading this in your office try to keep the door open. Your boss might send you home when he or she hears you gagging.

 What she is (A woman in love) is one of them….some country crap song.
I knew I loved you – Savage Garden…Don’t even get me started.
I could fall in love – Selena …looks like someone wanted to take this señorita to the prom!
The heart won’t lie – Vince Gill & Reba. Gross x 10
Deeper than the Holler – Randy Travis – I love this song secretly.
The end of Innocence – Is this crap even a love song???
Love will keep us alive- The Eagles. Beyond gay.
Your love amazes me – Yowsa…I can’t put words together for this one.
Oh and the typical, I Swear…The country version

 Grand Finale…….Drum roll please:

 Selena makes a second appearance – Dreaming of You

Is it just me or does this guy strike you as the kind of person who would make you get dressed up and go to a  Renaissance Fair on the weekend? And then maybe dump you the following Monday for not taking it seriously enough?

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off…


Not for this cat. Happy May 2-4 Weekend everyone! I have to work until noon today and by work until noon I mean read US Magazine online and update my blog. I get a lot of weird and random questions from readers wanting to know more about me. So without giving away too much personal information on myself, I present seven random facts about yours truly!

  1. While I might come off as a morbidity obese woman on this thing, I’m actually in pretty good shape for someone who eats a bag of Brazier Burgers every Friday.

2. If I didn’t wax my eyebrow I could put Sam the Eagle  to shame.

3. I take a lot of crap from people for some of the stuff that goes on this blog, but my Dad actually gives the final approval on what’s too much. If he doesn’t like it, it doesn’t go up.

4. When I was 7 I tied a string to my tooth and attached it to my brother’s bedroom door. I knocked on his door and the tooth came out.

5. I say the most random things ever when I am nervous. A hot waiter once told me he had noticed me around . I replied by saying “Yeah I really like drinking in the afternoon.”

6. I love flyer day, hot deals are my new hot dates!

7. I once pissed my pants in a Target parking lot while on vacation. During that same vacation I projectile vomited at the Coca-Cola Magic Factory . At the end of the tour you are given the chance to sample coke products from around the world. If you’re ever in Tanzania don’t drink the ginger ale. It doesn’t stay down very long…

Bring me a meatball sub, red wine and my bathrobe


Sorry for the delay in today’s post but I got Lindsay Lohan drunk last night. Speaking of the Lohan, she is this weeks Non-Eater. I know its wrong to kick someone when they are down, but I figure that she only has another three months of living tops. You have to take advantage of this opportunity while you still can. 

Hey Lindsay, maybe you could take a break from having all that male genitalia thrown into your girl dick and throw a sandwich into yourself instead.