Well frig me gently (like that one Dad? I left out the word you hate hearing me say!) It’s finally Friday. And thank God because my Garbage Man Syndrome couldn’t get any worse this week. For those of you who are wondering what the hell GMS is let me explain it to you. Have you ever watched a garbage man toss a bag of trash into the back of a truck? He just picks it up and drives it into the back of that truck with one hand, not even caring if it hits anyone. Do you know why he does it? It’s because he just doesn’t give a fuck (Sorry Dad!) and neither do I this week.
Monday set the tone for what might actually go down as the worst week in history for me. It was the most degrading of day of my career yet. I was half temped to quit, but then I realized I would need a letter of reference for a new job. And you best believe I wasn’t going to go crawling back to the man for a scrap of paper to tell potential employers how I do a mediocre job at best.
Tuesday came with a sea of jaw line beards and general douche beggary-ness with every person I came into contact with. I was determined to turn things around on Wednesday, so I went to Kick Ass Shoes to treat myself to something I know I can’t afford on my salary. On my way in I was asked to be a hair model for a show this weekend (I declined because I’m scared of what they might do to me.) Never the less I was still pretty flattered that someone thought I could be pretty enough to be a hair model! I don’t even consider myself pretty enough to be a waitress. I guess the girls at K.A.S didn’t think I was pretty enough to be waited either. So I left shoeless. I started to think maybe this “hair show” was really some sort of reality show where nerds are picked off the street, given a ridiculous makeover and then told to walk around town so everyone could get a good laugh.
Oh and then Thursday came, la pièce de résistance to my shitty week. I think everyone is entitled to one Larry David moment per year. And yesterday was mine. My half Asian friend Murray likes to tell me I am the nicest racist he knows, mainly because my form of racism is mistaking every well dressed Asian man for him and yelling things like “Hey Murray, you going to Aspen?” trying to offer him a drive. The 4th floor of my building is home to an ESL school. Yesterday a young Asian man got in the elevator; his hands were full, so I just took it upon myself to press 4. However, he works on the 10th floor and his English is perfect.
So I have pretty much given up on this week, I have already had 3 doughnuts today and a fourth will soon be shoveled into my mouth. Red wine in my bathrobe, here I come!